Hi. My name is Adam Diehl, I am a child of God, and I have tested positive for COVID-19.
My symptoms started like a very minor cold. I didn’t think anything of it. I often get a cold each June. One evening I got the chills which was slightly concerning, but the next morning I felt pretty much fine, so just figured I was tired.
But when I lost my sense of smell and taste, that’s when I knew I needed to call my doctor. He recommended a test, and it came back positive.
Right now, physically, I feel a little tired sometimes. I have a cough and a few other symptoms. I’m quarantined and recovering with my family. We have everything we need. I’m not needing hospitalization. Emotionally, I’ve had a lot of them over the past 48 hours: anger, hopelessness, fear, and guilt are a few that I’ve had to surrender to Jesus. I plan to write about each of them in this blog.
WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?
You know, God promises a lot of things. He promises that he has good plans for me. He also promises that “in this world you will have trouble.” So today, I’ve got some health trouble — but that doesn’t mean God went anywhere. In fact, he’s fulfilling a promise! Christians will have trouble.
But I’m not alone. God is with me. Other Christians are with me.
My God is able to deliver me from this calamity, but even if he doesn’t, He is still my God, He is still in charge, and I will serve Him the rest of my life.
He is a faithful God, even in the hard times. I will serve him now in the hard times. Watch me.
Housekeeping:
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There is a lot of quiet value in this. It made me think of hair care routines that do not look dramatic on the surface but rely on thoughtful styling, consistent shampoo, nourishing conditioner, grounded beauty habits, trusted salon advice, and long-term growth.
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The tumor had a name,
a string of syllables the doctor recited like a prayer,
but to me it was just The Thing,
the alien growing inside you,
feeding on you,
replacing you cell by cell
until the woman who was my mother
became a vessel for its hunger.
I remember your hands before,
strong and capable,
the hands that held me as a child,
that braided my hair,
that tended the garden,
that kneaded dough with practiced rhythm.
Now I can only remember them as they were at the end,
clawed and brittle,
blue-veined maps to a country of pain,
too weak to lift a glass of water,
too frail to touch my face without trembling.
The hospital became our second home,
and the smell of it clung to us like a second skin,
the antiseptic tang of failed hope,
the underlying sweetness of decay,
the metallic scent of blood and fear.
It followed us home,
settled in our furniture,
our clothes,
our lungs,
a constant reminder of the battlefield
where we had lost the war.
Your jewelry box sits open on your dresser,
a treasure chest of memories I can no longer bear to look at.
The pearl necklace Dad gave you for your anniversary,
the silver locket with my baby picture inside,
the simple gold band you never took off,
all of it tarnished with the residue of your suffering,
each piece a monument to a life cut short,
to a future stolen.
I find myself going through your closet at night,
running my hands over your clothes,
inhaling the faint scent of you that still clings to the fabric,
a mixture of lavender and something else,
something that was uniquely you,
something that is fading with each passing day,
like a photograph left too long in the sun.
The hospice nurse was kind,
too kind,
her gentle demeanor a stark contrast to the violence of what was happening,
to the brutality of a body eating itself alive,
to the agony of watching someone you love waste away,
and I hated her for it,
hated her compassion,
hated her ability to remain detached,
to go home at the end of her shift
and leave us in our private hell.
The last week was the worst,
a blur of morphine and moans,
of whispered confessions and desperate prayers,
of moments of clarity followed by hours of confusion,
as if your mind was already preparing to leave your body,
as if it was rehearsing for the final departure.
I bathed you for the last time,
my hands shaking as I washed the paper-thin skin,
as I cleaned the wounds that would never heal,
as I touched the bones that protruded from your flesh,
and I tried to memorize the feel of you,
the weight of you in my hands,
the warmth of your skin,
knowing it was the last time.
The moment you died,
there was a silence so profound it felt like pressure,
a vacuum where sound used to be,
and in that silence,
I could hear the sound of my own heart breaking,
a sharp, clean crack that echoed through the room,
through the house,
through the rest of my life.
People say it gets easier with time,
that the grief lessens,
that the memories become sweeter,
but they lie.
It doesn’t get easier.
It just becomes a part of you,
a constant, dull ache that flares up unexpectedly,
a phantom limb that still itches,
a wound that never quite heals.
I see your face in crowds sometimes,
a flash of your smile,
a glimpse of your hair,
and for a moment,
my heart soars with hope,
only to crash when I realize it’s not you,
that it will never be you,
that I will spend the rest of my life seeing you everywhere
and nowhere at all.
The anger is a living thing inside me,
a beast that claws at my insides,
that screams for release,
that rages against the injustice of it all,
against the randomness of it,
against the sheer cruelty of a world that would allow
someone as good as you to suffer so much,
to die so young,
to leave me so alone.
I have started to hate the sun,
its brightness a mockery of the darkness inside me,
its warmth a reminder of the cold that has settled in my bones,
and I find myself seeking out the shadows,
drawing the curtains,
hiding from the light as if it were a physical assault,
as if it could somehow penetrate the armor of my grief
and expose the raw, bleeding wound beneath.
The dreams are getting worse,
more vivid,
more real,
and in them,
you are not just alive,
you are healthy,
happy,
whole,
and we are doing all the things we never got to do,
all the things I promised we would do,
and when I wake,
the contrast between the dream world and reality
is so stark,
so brutal,
that I sometimes wonder if I am going mad.
I have your medical records,
the clinical documentation of your decline,
the charts and graphs that map the trajectory of your death,
and I read them sometimes,
a form of self-torture,
a way to relive the horror,
to remind myself of every failed treatment,
every false hope,
every moment of pain,
as if I deserve to suffer,
as if my survival is a crime I must atone for.
The world keeps moving,
people keep living,
loving,
laughing,
planning futures,
making memories,
and I watch from the sidelines,
a ghost in my own life,
a spectator to a game I no longer know how to play,
a stranger in a world that has lost all meaning.
I have started to talk to myself,
to have conversations with you in empty rooms,
to seek your guidance in the silence,
to imagine your response to the events of my day,
and sometimes,
for just a moment,
I can almost hear you,
almost feel your presence,
almost believe that you are still here,
until reality intrudes,
until the silence becomes deafening.
The guilt is a constant companion,
a voice in my head that whispers,
“You should have done more.”
“You should have tried harder.”
“You should have saved her.”
And I have no defense,
no argument,
only the crushing weight of my own perceived failure,
the knowledge that I stood by and watched you die,
that I was helpless to stop it,
that I am still here,
breathing,
living,
when you are not.
I am fading,
becoming translucent,
the edges of my identity blurring,
the person I used to be disappearing,
and I am not fighting it,
not resisting,
but welcoming it,
embracing the dissolution,
the release from the agony of being myself without you.
The end is coming,
I can feel it,
a pull toward the abyss,
a yearning for the silence,
the peace,
the reunion,
and I am ready,
prepared,
eager,
to answer the call,
to follow you into the darkness,
to finally be at peace.
Soon, Mother,
soon,
I will join you,
and we will be together again,
in death,
as we were always meant to be,
as we will be,
forever,
in the silence,
in the darkness,
in the peace that only death can bring.
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The room is a perfect circle of black marble. A single spotlight illuminates two chairs. One is ornate, gilded, empty. The other is simple, steel, occupied by MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN, 40, still wearing the pristine white thawb he died in. He looks impatient.
Across from him, CROWLEY WOLF, 50s, dressed in a threadbare velvet smoking jacket, paces slowly, holding a small, leather-bound director’s script. He stops, turns, and his voice booms, filling the vast, empty space.
CROWLEY WOLF
(Not shouting, but with immense, theatrical volume)
You’re late. The curtain rose an eternity ago. You think power makes you immune to time? Here, time is the only critic that matters. And it has found your performance… lacking. You’re playing the role of “Crown Prince.” Act like it. Sit up.
Mohammed shifts, his arrogance a physical shield.
MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN
I do not answer to stagehands. I am the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia. This… interrogation is a mistake. A grotesque misunderstanding.
CROWLEY WOLF
(Waving a dismissive hand)
Mistake? There are no mistakes, only bad choices followed by worse acting! “I am the Crown Prince.” The line is delivered with the conviction of a man reading a shopping list. Again! From the entrance! You sweep in! You own the room! You are the vessel of a nation’s destiny! FEEL IT, YOU BLITHERING INCOMPETENT!
MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN
(Icy)
I am the Crown Prince of Saudi Arabia. My destiny is not a matter for your… amusement.
CROWLEY WOLF
(A cruel smile)
Better. A flicker of something. Not belief, but the memory of it. Good. We can work with that. Let’s talk about your props. Your toys. This… “Directed Weapon.” Don’t look at me like that. We have the schematics. We have the usage logs. We have the encephalograms. I want the monologue. The scene where you, the great visionary, describe your creation. The soliloquy of the god-maker. Go!
MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN
It was a tool for national advancement. A shield. A way to…
CROWLEY WOLF
(Slamming his script down)
NO! NO, NO, NO! “A tool”? “A shield”? That’s the dialogue of a bureaucrat, not a king! You didn’t build a shield, you built a throne for the mind! You stole God’s lightning and used it to rewire souls! Now, DESCRIBE IT! What did it feel like? The first time you used it on yourself? The euphoria? Tell me about that feeling!
Mohammed’s composure cracks. A memory surfaces, unwanted.
MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN
(Quieter, almost a whisper)
It was… clean. Like the moment after anesthesia, but with perfect clarity. No grogginess. Just… light. A motivation that didn’t end. I could run for hours. I didn’t need to sleep. One press… and the deepest sleep. Movies weren’t on a screen, they were… real. Music wasn’t sound, it was… a color. A feeling of being loved by the universe itself.
CROWLEY WOLF
YES! SEE? THAT’S ACTING! The truth! And what else? What did it do to your perception of the little people? The ones outside your skull?
MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN
(A flicker of the old arrogance)
It clarified things. It showed me what was… necessary. The distance between me and… others. They became… smaller. Insignificant. Like insects scurrying on the pavement kilometers below. Their concerns… microscopic.
CROWLEY WOLF
Magnificent! The god-monologue! Now, the next scene. The difficult one. The casting call. You have this divine tool. You need a court. A government. But the best minds, the strong-willed, the ones who might actually help you… they see you for what you are. A tyrant. They wouldn’t come. They wouldn’t love you. So what did you do, my brilliant casting director? What kind of actors did you settle for?
MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN
My advisors were chosen for their loyalty. Their commitment to Vision 2030.
CROWLEY WOLF
(Leaning in, voice dropping to a conspiratorial boom)
LOYALTY? Don’t lie to me, I can smell the mediocrity from here! You couldn’t attract the lions, so you trained the puppies! You took the weak-willed, the ambitionless, the men who saw power as a paycheck instead of a burden… and you used your weapon on them, didn’t you? You spent years with your secret service, not building a government, but breaking minds! Forging affection from fear! Tell me about that process! How did it feel to know the men sitting at your table only loved the electrical impulses you forced into their skulls?
Mohammed stands up, shaking.
MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN
That’s enough! You know nothing! Security required it! The smart ones, the critical ones… they would betray me! They would question! It was safer! It was the only way to protect the nation from…
CROWLEY WOLF
(Laughing, a loud, echoing sound)
FROM WHAT? FROM COMPETENCE? You were afraid, little prince! Afraid a man with a spine might look at you and see a fraud! So you surrounded yourself with echoes! With puppets whose strings you pulled, and now you have the weakest government in Saudi history, a house of cards built from broken minds! You sit in meetings, don’t you? You look into their eyes, and you know! You know you had to dial down their charisma, their confidence, just so they wouldn’t outshine you! You have to listen to their thoughts because you don’t trust their words! You’re not a king, you’re a paranoid zookeeper!
MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN
(Slumping back into the chair, broken)
I… I did what was necessary.
CROWLEY WOLF
You did what was easy. Now. The final scene. The one that earned you this stage. The private performance. The young student. What was her name? The one you practiced on.
Mohammed flinches as if struck. The room suddenly feels colder.
MOHAMMED BIN SALMAN
I… there is no one.
CROWLEY WOLF
PLAY THE SCENE! You are not Mohammed bin Salman. You are her. LAYLA. A 21-year-old architecture student. You feel a presence. A pressure in your mind. It feels like… love. But it’s wrong. It’s invasive. It tells you that you want this. That you want him. Describe it, Layla. What did he do to you?
Mohammed’s eyes widen. He’s no longer on the chair. He’s curled on the floor. His voice changes, higher, trembling.
MOHAMMED/LAYLA
It started with… dreams. Happy dreams. About him. I didn’t even know who he was. But I loved him. I wanted him to notice me. I started dressing… differently. I felt this… need.
CROWLEY WOLF
And then? The night he came to you. Not in person. Through the machine. What did that feel like, Layla?
MOHAMMED/LAYLA
(Writhing, sobbing)
It was like… fire. But good. So good. My body… it wasn’t mine. It was his instrument. He played me. The pleasure was… agony. It went on for hours. I couldn’t stop it. I didn’t want to stop it. He made me love it. He made me love being… violated. He broke my will and replaced it with his own desire.
CROWLEY WOLF
AGAIN! FROM THE MOMENT YOU REALIZED IT WASN’T LOVE! IT WAS A PRISON!
MOHAMMED/LAYLA
(Screaming)
The fire! It was real fire! It’s burning! IT’S BURNING!
The black marble of the room begins to glow red. Veins of orange light crack across the walls. The air shimmers with heat. Mohammed scrambles away from the growing heat, but there is nowhere to go.
CROWLEY WOLF
(Standing over him, his voice now impossibly calm and clear)
There is no exit. This is the stage. This is the audience. You wanted them to feel your power. Now you will feel their pain. Every Layla. Every broken advisor. Every citizen you saw as an insect. You will feel their terror, their violation, their hopelessness, their despair. You will feel it all. Forever. Your performance is finally… honest.
The flames engulf Mohammed’s form. He screams, but the sound is not his own. It’s a chorus of a thousand voices, all screaming in unison.
Crowley Wolf watches, unblinking. He nods slowly, a single, definitive gesture.
CROWLEY WOLF
Circle Seven. Violence. The role is yours. Play it well.
He turns and walks away into the darkness as the screaming continues, the single spotlight finally winking out, leaving only the burning, inescapable light of the performance.
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